Hairy Mammals of Smogdale & District
From 'Anyone For Tea?'
Eve Von Gaffe
2, North South St, Smogdale.
A very houseproud woman whose home features unimaginable quantities of ornaments. After decades of attending the Seek church, she has recently felt the urge to try other things. She hopes her mother will approve.
Ozzy Towpath
Could be anywhere ...
An excitable, nocturnal thief. Very partial to half a quart of the local brew Curate’s Comfort.
Arnold Toller
c/o Aston Villa, Hampork Heath, Kidneyswamp.
A wealthy man, new to the district. He is small, but has a very large car with personalised number plates. He keeps pet ants to inspire his business imagination. Sadly, after a motoring accident he suffer amnesia and some brain damage. As he walks he mutters ‘ithp, ithp,...’ and whenever he tries to talk his right knee gives way. In a bout of uncharacteristic empathy and insight Zorba the Prophet observed that Arnold is now probably unique in walking with a lisp and talking with a limp.
Bob Nylon
last seen in front of a mirror
A young man searching for a role. Within the space of a few months he changes his identity to Nylon Thomas, Thomas Hardly, The Chief, and even Dame Ehjed Krystal-Struckcha (though the latter was alleged to be in an invisible spirit world).
Brian Moore
5, Southside Villas, Grockel’s Bay.
A markit trader with moderit spelin problemz an acute apostropheosi’s. Marrid 2 Margaret. He fink’s he’d be content wiv a quite life but Margaret sez he wooden.
Donk
13a, Doole Alley, Smogdale.
(full name don Jose Quidahbi de la Muncha)A tall, capable chap in his thirties, permanently depressed. He always wears a hat, owing to a deep-seated distrust of seagulls. Partial to a doughnut (or several) and the odd pint of the local brew Devil’s Diesel.
Dot Matrix
3, North South Street, Smogdale.
A neighbour of Eve. Not exactly a gossip, but very interested in everybody. She usually has several part-time jobs, wherever the ‘discussions’ are most interesting, which keeps her well-informed, but not wealthy. She is prone to using cliches, still, a nod’s as good as a wink ...
Fidget Waugh
1, North South Street, Smogdale.
Another neighbour of Eve. A prolific inventor, but not necessarily of gadgets that people want.
Honda Prelude
A Cave, A Mountain, Possibly Tibet.
The most prolific philosopher of the Hollyist Path. Honda is thought to have been born in 1949 and she has barely stopped typing (even for a hair cut) since age 16. 160,000 pages later, her most influential works include 1) The Chaos Theory of Optimism. 2) Living in the Here and Now. 3) What is Normal? Not Honda, that’s for sure.
Margaret Moore
5, Southside Villas, Grockel’s Bay.
Marrid 2 Brian. They ½ free children, Shane, Sean and Sally. Margaret usulee nose ooze in control, becoz it iz mos likely ur. Sheez not 2 good @ spelin, niver, but can defnitlee spel money. Feelz mos @ ome wiv er knowz ina ome shopin katalog.
Poddle
Poddle Hull's Boatbuilders Yard, Smogdale.
Established boat builder and valued patron of QT's tavern.
QT
The Drainpipe and WaterRat Tavern, Smogdale.
The landlady of the tavern. Has claimed to be the same age for several years, and was in the front of the queue when wobbly bits were handed out. She is generally very busy.
Roland the Tramp
c/o Zorba’s Shed, Smogdale Allotments.
Rumoured to have been a politician in the distant past, he is now something of an expert on the works of the Hollyist philosopher/hermit Honda Prelude and the life of Boudoir Holly, the founder of Hollyism. Also an expert on the lyrics of rock and roll songs. Roland is fond of debating, but doesn’t seem to feel the need to restrict himself to the same topic as his fellow debaters.
Squint Eastward
Whereabouts Unknown.
(real name Trevor Blenkinsop)An impressionable young fellow. Always wears a Mexican blanket and home-made cowboy hat. Probably the worst darts player in the world.
Zorba the Prophet
Home Farm Cottage, Road Street Avenue, Smogdale.
The foremost (and possibly only) psychobotanist of Smogdale, if not the world. Divides his time between his allotment and daydreams. He has vast numbers of ideas which he never pursues to fruition, though Fidget sometimes completes projects for him.
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