Report to AloeVera 1.1
(General Direction)
February 2004
From: Chairentity 7.12, AloeVeras base, the Moon.
To: Our Founder, AloeVera 1.1, Planet AloeVera.
Dear colleague and founder AloeVera 1.1 (general direction),
We have received further communications from Remulak the Magnificent, Destroyer of Planetoids, Enslaver of Humanoids, Martyr to Haemorrhoids. It seems the first communication wasn't spam after all, Remulak really is bent (sic (very (oh, bugger; nesting brackets have struck again))) on destroying Earth, but not by the usual hyper-mega-bomb approach or anything so destructive to the material assets of the planet.
Apparently he/she/it has been interfering in HairyMammal affairs for over 40 years. The first plan was to cause chaos amongst the HairyMammals by installing operatives disguised as HairyMammals - they were called John & Paul, (sounds a bit like the apostles or a pope, doesn't it?), also George and Ringo. Remulak claims to have penned various songs for them which were designed to reduce the HairyMammal society to hysteria and chaos, but it only worked on women of a certain age (very young). Number 11 assures me the phrase 'women of a certain age' usually means something quite different, (women of an uncertain but greater than they admit age), but that is typical of HairyMammal language. The four operatives apparently defected after they became millionaires and developed a fondness for the 'women of a certain age'.
Remulak's current plan is to have two operatives disguised as HairyMammals interfering in Earth politics. These are already in place as George W Bush t'rd as Managing Director the Ultimate Shallow Association Corporation and Tony Blah as President of The Untidy Queendom Plc (the large island-and-a-bit near Europe that we monitor).
I think Remulak has failed abysmally on the 'operatives disguised as HairyMammal' front since Tony Blah is clearly an Alpha Centaurian techno-elephant (check his microphones/ears) and is a lawyer. Both techno-elephants and lawyers clearly bear no resemblance to the authentic HairyMammals of Earth. And George W Bush t'rd is obviously from Planet Remuloid since it frequently and publicly displays telepathic powers of communication - for example, reading books that are upside down and back to front. One has only to look into those eyes to realise they are a front for something other than genuine HairyMammaldom.
Nevertheless, Remulak's plans are proceeding apace and he will soon be promoting World War 3 by having his operatives declare that there are Weapons of Mass Deception in Switzerland. Remulak plans for Tony Blah to allege that the weapons are being hidden in the chalets! A bad idea, so Number 8 says. The chalets would be too easy to check. They need to be somewhere huge and plentiful. Either the mountains or the banks, then they'd take for ever to search. As per usual, I have no idea what my colleagues are talking about. If they'd just concentrate on the nice orderly beeping boxes, we could study the HairyMammals when we've finished comprehending these more simple and orderly life-forms.
'The Swiss are boring, predictable people,' Number 8 alleges.
Number 9, our pioneer quantum psychologist, responded by saying 'What about Jung and Einstein?! The most chaotic, non-typical scientists there have ever been!'
So much for stereotypes.
I'm sure you will be pleased to hear that my study of beeping boxes is progressing in a well-structured and orderly manner. I have discovered a road - Necrophilliac Way, Leggoland, Wherewithal (twenty miles to the east of Smogdale) where nearly every household has a 4x4! Clearly an upper class district.
I am pleased to see (or rather, hear) Johnny Walker back on BBC Radio 2 - Drivetime. He has slot called 'Cruising at Sex' just after the six o clock news, which I fear may be casting nasturtiums at Sally Traffic... (I only listen to Radio 2 once in a while so I'll know what my colleagues are talking about. Radio 3 and Classic FM is more the style for we executives).
Yours etc.
AloeVera 7.12
Chairentity of our mission to serve tea on remote worlds, or practically anywhere
P.S. We haven't served any tea yet.