Report to AloeVera 1.1

(General Direction)

March 2004

(From: Acting Chairentity 7.11, AloeVeras base, the Moon.

To: Our Founder, AloeVera 1.1, Planet AloeVera)

Dear colleague and founder AloeVera 1.1 (general direction),

Hi! Our highly esteemed chairentity is indisposed. It seems to be in a foul and incommunicative state and when pressed for a reason eventually mutters something about a dodgy phase of the Earth. Apparently the Earth is rising in the constellation of the Lobotomised New-Age Clone . We've no idea what it means but Number 12 is decidedly broody.

Anyway, AloeVera 1.1 my old cock sparrow (general direction); I, Number 11, will be completing this report in place of the chairentity, for and on behalf of all of us.

We've had a Special Forward Planning Progress Meeting (Number 12's description) devoted entirely to The Problem of Remulak. Once we realised the creature truly exists and the emails from that party weren't just spam we became very concerned. We don't wish to be enslaved or see our pet HairyMammals' world destroyed.

From our research we gather that Remulak has been infiltrating Earth society for at least fifty years! The operatives it sent to Earth as the pop group The Beatles weren't its first attempt to sabotage the Earth. We have learned that the Queen of The Untidy Queendom, NR. Europe, is in fact Remulak's mother, the plan being for her to marry an argumentative foreigner and plunge Europe into chaos. She seems to have struck solid gold with Zorba the Scot, but, amazingly, the people of Europe (and elsewhere) have tolerated him so far. (Incidentally, everyone knows the real Duke of Edinburgh is Sean Connery).

Consider this though. Remulak has been lurking around the Earth for fifty years, armed to the teeth (or the Remuloid equivalent) and hasn't finished the job. Through our painstaking research we have deduced that Remulak has developed a repressed fondness for the HairyMammals (despite their profound weirdness) and its infiltration of the Earth Internet as The Anti-Social Society of America (and Cartoons) (ASS of A) is just another way of trying to repress its own tender side.

Our pioneer Post-Jungian Quantum Psychologist of HairyMammals (Number 9) has proved this by vectoring the flux of Yourhavingmeons and Pulltheotheroneitsgotbellsons in the cartoons on the afore-mentioned website. (Also on such drawings forwarded directly to us). We note from Remulak's persistent urge to rename its slaves-to-be 'Susie' that it also has a repressed inner feminine - further evidence of this is available in the self-portrait (to follow). Remulak's mother appears to have developed a fondness for Corgi dogs and racehorses. Hardly the behaviour of dedicated destroyers of planets.

Following the meeting we have a plan of our own! We have some HairyMammals' currency left after the chairentity's purchase of personalised number plates for Fidget's truck, and we plan to buy a majority of shares in The ASS of A, and transform it!

Yours etc.

Number 11

(Acting chairentity of our mission to serve tea on remote worlds)

P.S. We haven't served any tea yet, dude.

Late News: We have acquired a majority shareholding in The ASS of A and would request that the current proprietor changes the name to The Anti-Establishment Renaisance; Organising Love and Empathy (AEROLE) forthwith.

Personally, (well, AloeVeraally) I think the acronym would be better with the first two letters interchanged.

P.P.S. Remulak had better change the company name on all the letter headings & on its bogus website within 21 days or it will be hearing from our new representatives on Earth - Messrs McGivin, Coughup & Smyle; Solicitors.

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