Report to AloeVera 1.1

(General Direction)

November 2003 (*)

From: Chairentity 7.12, AloeVeras base, the Moon.

To: Our Founder, AloeVera 1.1, Planet AloeVera.

Dear colleague and founder AloeVera 1.1 (general direction),

In preparation for our eventual serving of tea to the HairyMammals of Earth we have been studying their world. As I observe the HairyMammals themselves to be highly unpredictable and illogical I am studying the behaviour of the Beeping Boxes, a more orderly life-form, first. This seems a suitably scientific approach - develop a model based on the simpler life-forms then extend it to the weirder (I mean 'more complex').

It is presently proving rather trying having only Number 11 for company on the moon. It's imagination does sometimes seem to lead to useful ideas, but the rest of the time it's disturbing. When it's finished its work (currently monitoring Number 9's progress with Fidget and Percy and improving the performance of our solar cells), it keeps riding its service robot around the base and shouting strange words such as 'Ye' and 'Haa'. 'Ye' is apparently an archaic form of 'you' but it wasn't saying it to anyone?

I have some welcome news from Number 11. It informs me that Number 9 is paying us a quick visit while Fidget and Percy take a rest. (The HairyMammals need rests because of their inferior design). I'll continue this correspondence after Number 9 arrived.

*

234.176 minutes later:

Number 9 is very keen to describe its adventures to us. It seems Fidget has the ability to invent many helpful things for the HairyMammals but he needs Percy to remind him of their priorities. Purifying their drinking water is currently their number 1 aim and they are heading for Africa where they can be most use. Currently they have travelled South towards London, travelled both ways around the M25, and exited seemingly at random, facing West. They are presently resting in Totnes.

Apparently Percy is having a crisis of a psychological nature and Number 9 is endeavouring to help with the application of its theory of moreons, lessons, yourhavingmeons and pulltheotheroneitsgotbellsons.

Number 9 (who Number 14 calls Mr. Essentially, for some reason unknown to myself) has promised to have a game of chess with me before its return to Earth. Being a psychologist makes Number 9 a scientist, sort of, so I should get a real game at last.

*

742.86 minutes later:

I regret to say that Number 9 was in an obsessive mood.

'You want to kill my King?' it repeatedly asked.

I explained that we each try to capture the opponent's King. The King gets reactivated again for subsequent games; it isn't really killed. It isn't really alive, either.

'Why choose this game?' it insisted. 'What essentially are your motives?'

I ended up sitting on what Number 9 insisted on calling a 'consulting couch' while it showed me various inkblots and completed my 'AloeVeraality Profile' - a phrase that it didn't adequately explain.

'What, essentially, does this inkblot remind you of?' it kept asking.

'An inkblot,' I replied. 'A blot of ink. The previous inkblot!' I added.

'Essentially what else?' it demanded.

'That time the laser printer went wrong,' I suggested, trying to be helpful. You have to humour Number 9 sometimes.

I'm pleased to say Number 9 has now gone back to Earth. All psychologists are at least one kilowatt hour short of a full recharge according to Number 11. They can't imagine that chess is a game. A recreation for we executive types.

Never mind. Talking of imagination, I'll get Number 11 to have a game. That'll work, for sure.

Yours etc.,

AloeVera 7.12

(Chairentity of our mission to serve tea on remote worlds)

P.S. We haven't served any tea yet.

P.P.S. The word November derives from the word for nine. November is the eleventh month of the HairyMammals' calendar! Talking of eleven, Number 11 informs me that November did used to be the ninth month; two extra months were added by ultra vain Italian floozies, possibly queens: Julia (hence July) and Whore Gustus (hence August). Number 11 also claims that crowds of Italian males used to follow them around shouting 'Seize her, seize her'. I'm not convinced.

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