Report to AloeVera 1.1

(General Direction)

January 2004

(From: Chairentity 7.12, AloeVeras base, the Moon.

To: Our Founder, AloeVera 1.1, Planet AloeVera)

Dear colleague and founder AloeVera 1.1 (general direction),

Thanks be to Buck Probably, that's all over and done with. (Excuse my outburst, it is the weirdness of the HairyMammals of Earth to which I refer).

The season of jingling cash registers, January Sales (in December) and humungous profits for MeaninglessBollocks.com has stopped.

Sadly, I have to report that the HairyMammals of North West England appeared to celebrate the 'season of goodwill' by becoming ill, falling over 231% more often than 'normal', falling out with each other 703% more than 'usual' and, this is particularly galling, drinking less tea! Most dispiriting. Though, on reflection, I could probably have chosen a more accurate and appropriate word than dispiriting.

Number 11 has set up a business venture whereby we can earn HairyMammal currency by doing secretarial work. It will be much quicker to earn money and buy replacement solar panels from the HairyMammals than making our own. The moon's lack of atmosphere has led to several instances of our panels being damaged by high speed specks of dust.

Number 11 explained that we could sell our services for pounds or euros but Number 14 made a stern case for dealing in dollars. Apparently we're likely to be invaded in a search for 'weapons of mass deception' if we don't trade in dollars. Hang on, I've made a mistake - mass destruction, I meant. Number 14 informs me that's what happens on earth.

Furthermore, when the leading HairyMammals of the U.S.A (Ultimate Shallow Association) realise what a clanger they've made in invading places that don't have weapons of mass anything, instead of learning from their mistakes, they distract themselves as much as possible by planning trips - the latest one is to, you've guessed, the moon. No doubt Tony Blah of the Untidy Queendom will follow obediently. We just can't win.

There has been one unforeseen consequence of setting up communications with the HairyMammals of Earth - we've started receiving spam. At least, I hope it's spam. Someone called Remulak the Magnificent, Destroyer of Planetoids, Enslaver of Humanoids, Martyr to Haemorrhoids is threatening to enslave us. Even then, the awkward contraption doesn't want to be served any tea.

Where was I? Oh yes, executive recreation - all games of chess with my colleagues came to naught (i.e. failed miserably), so I've taught my service robot to play. I did play the base computer, as you suggested, but it kept winning.

Yours etc.

AloeVera 7.12

(Chairentity of our mission to serve tea on remote worlds)

P.S. We haven't served any tea yet.

P.P.s. Remulak the Wossname thinks we look like this:-

Back to Chairentity's Reports