Funny Short Stories
The Nerdy Gurdy Man - part 3
Eve had nearly finished disinfecting all her ornaments from the front room mantelpiece when there was a knock at the door. She peered through the window and was alarmed to see a very large man who she didn't recognise. Almost totally obscured by his immense girth was Fidget, her neighbour, who knew where she'd be looking out and he grinned reassuringly.
'This is Acronym Stanley, my musical friend,' said Fidget, when Eve opened the front door.
'Well, technological collaborator, really, but I did play the whistle now and then,' said Stanley. He offered a huge hand which Eve examined prior to shaking one of his fingers.
Eve felt pleased. Fidget had certainly spent a few evenings (and a few days) away from home since resolving to give folk music a blast, as it were.
Eve smiled at Fidget and wondered why he looked sheepish, for he certainly was sheep-like except, of course, that most sheep are tolerably well fed. Indeed, as everyone who has ever lifted an absent-minded sheep out of a river will testify, most sheep are prone to becoming fat.
Eve fumed. 'You said DID play the whistle?'
'Yes. I wasn't bad really.,' confessed Stanley.
Eve waited for more, and Fidget rearranged his feet in the manner of guilty schoolboys everywhere. Indeed, Fidget fidgeted.
'How did you come to stop?' Eve persevered.
'Well,' said Stanley. 'Fidget came along to the folk club and was impressed, if that's the word, with the lamentable design of the hurdy gurdy.'
Eve raised both eyebrows.
'That thing that Rupert abuses,' Fidget explained.
'So Fidget and I have been developing an improved version,' Stanley continued.
Eve nodded. She noticed Stanley had dark rings under his eyes. So had Fidget.
'It's something you can do at the folk club, is it? The improving?'
'Not really, dear,' said Stanley, swelling his chest and seeming suddenly taller. 'It took quite a bit of R&D to get this project OTG.'
'OTG?' asked Eve.
'Off the ground,' Fidget explained.
Eve felt apprehensive. There was something about Stanley's distracted air and Fidget's apparent reluctance to make eye contact that somehow evaporated what hopes she'd had that his new hobby would benefit him.
Stanley appeared unaware of both her discomfort and Fidget's apologetic stance, and he ploughed on, animated and with glazed eyes.
Eve noticed an unexpected royal tone entering his speech and attitude. This struck her as incompatible with his holy jumper, out of condition physique and Amazonian forest of a beard.
She resolved not to think 'Amazonian' as it was a shade too derogatory, but realised she'd already thought it.
'I feel this is truly a groundbreaking development,' said Stanley. 'Pray follow us, Eve, and we'll demonstrate the device.'
Eve followed Stanley, continually trying (and failing) to catch Fidget's eye, and Stanley led them onto the street and straight down the alleyway to Fidget's shed.
They arrived at the shed and Stanley pointed to the 'device', which appeared to be the illegitimate (or certainly ill-considered) offspring of a unicycle, a loom, a musical keyboard (broadly speaking) and the inevitable computer.
Eve sighed. 'This helps you to sing?'
'Not yet,' conceded Stanley, resolutely impervious to atmosphere,' but we'll soon have the inaugural performance at the FCCAY.'
'The what?'
'Folk Club, Come All Ye.'
'The TBH facilitates the PPD.' explained Stanley.
'The what?' asked Eve.
'The This Bit Here,' sighed Fidget.
'The PPD?'
'The pedal powered treadle. It leaves your hands free to operate the CPBFX,' said Stanley.
'The CPBFX?'
'The computerised push-button FX.'
'FX?'
'Effects,' said Fidget.
'It's networkable!' raved Stanley. 'So several collaborators can play at the same time!' he indicated several junctions on the device which illuminated Eve not a bit.
'Perpetrators?' she asked.
'No, collaborators!' insisted Stanley. 'We're connected over the internet!'
'This is the THAFPM,' explained Stanley, handing a large well-thumbed folder to Eve.
'?' said Eve.
'The three hundred and fifty page manual! You can borrow it if you like, then maybe you'd like to order a WHTOTNY of your own.'
Eve shook her head, backed away and pointed to the refuge of the house next door. Her home.
'WHTOTNY?' she asked, displaying enviable short term memory.
'We Haven't Thought Of The Name Yet,' confessed Stanley.