Funny Short Stories
Skyelights
Outside Tesco's supermarket in Wherewithal, a young American teenager is talking with the local homeless. She exudes confidence, education and, above all, money. She has introduced herself to the locals as Skye.
'We've built several computers from scratch. Finally we can email money home, or receive medical advice by email or pdf, but we need £100 for each licence and lots more for their 'business partners,' said a young be-dreadlocked urchin in size 12 black hobnailed boots.
'Yeah, that's right,' added Nervy.
'I see,' said Skye. 'How do you send the emails if you've nowhere to live? By mobile?'
'Too dear for regular use,' said Drainpipe. 'We can use the library for emails - it's free.'
'We use a mobile sometimes,' added a timid young woman.
'Yeah, that's right,' added Nervy.
Skye nodded, and moved imperceptibly to her right - upwind of Drainpipe, who was in need of a shower. She took in the scenery, such as it was, while the locals were silently weighing her up. The pavement immediately outside the supermarket was of concrete paving slabs, then tarmac up to the large stone steps that led up to a pedestrian walkway. The steps seemed to be the location of choice for her new acquaintances. Just across the road was the main market - a comparatively bright spot amid the concrete and huge rectangular shop windows, owing to the coloured canvas sheets that kept out the rain and sun.
'Anyway, we tried Linux,' Urchin continued. 'But instead of £100 for Windows we need £0 for the Linux licence, £500 for a second computer to get online with Windoze or £500 to hire a tame geek for a week...'
'How do you mean?'
'The dial up modem is a nightmare to install on Linux, the explanations of how to do things are written for people who already understand!'
'Yeah, that's right,' added Nervy.
'It says, ''To configure your modem, visit this webpage''. But how?!' raved Drainpipe.
'Could you remind me again, please, what you wanted to do online? Your main goal?' asked Skye.
'A support group for the homeless.'
'If we can contact each other, then we can help - swap info about where it's safe to stay. The travellers set up schools, sometimes, but we have a job to find them.'
'Legal and housing advice,' added one.
'Sounds, like,' said Drainpipe.
'Sounds like what?' asked Skye.
'He means music - mp3s,' Urchin explained.
'Moral support,' said the timid lass. 'When you're first made homeless and know no-one.' She shuddered. 'My name's Meredith,' she added.
'Yeah, that's right,' added Nervy, and it was.
This is important, thought Skye. It took an immense effort for her to seriously imagine being homeless, but she did her best. The cold, lack of privacy and ever-present danger were obvious enough, but what about the lack of a mailing address, a phone, a place where people knew you'd be?
'It's your connection and lifeline, isn't it?' she said, and Meredith nodded, nervously chewed her lips and revealed her mobile phone, which was pocketed conspicuously close to her heart, alongside, Skye noticed, a small teddy bear.
'Wherever I go, if I lose track of this crowd,' she blushed at her pals, 'I feel I've taken home along with me, sort of.'
'About Linux. Can't you use broadband?' Skye asked.
'We don't have a permanent phone line,' said Urchin.
'Fair enough.'
'Or the money,' added Drainpipe.
A Rolls Royce pulled into the side of the road between Tescos and the market and one tinted electric window wound open a few inches. A woman revealed one finger to the outside world and moved it slightly.
'What the hell is that rich bitch doing, giving us the finger?' asked Drainpipe.
'I think she wants you, Pipe. It must be the Queen! You're going to be knighted, I expect.'
'Worse than that,' said Skye. 'Sadly, I have to inform you that the creature in the car is mother. I'm being summoned;' and she stood up to leave, apparently both fed up and angry.
'Did she say summoned or summonsed?' asked Drainpipe.
'A bit of each,' interrupted Skye, looking back. 'By the way. Where's your electricity supply?' The idea of homeless people with PCs was still playing on her logistically astute mind.
'Our mate's dad's garden shed! He's got a generator,' said Urchin. He attempted to shuffle his feet and dissipate some nervous energy, but the size 12 boots seemed unwilling to co-operate. He redoubled his efforts and they moved a little. 'We can use his phone line for dial up now and then, also.'
'Is that a new dance?' asked Meredith, as the Rolls Royce cruised away.
Urchin shrugged and grinned - a synchronised combination that surely deserves a word of its own. Urchin shrinned, or possibly grugged …
That evening, Skye and her parents were preparing for the dinner and dance to celebrate her dad's company's acquisition of Consolidated Amalgamated Diversified Industries International (Europe) Ltd.
Skye didn't know what they manufactured or what services they provided. She'd admitted her ignorance to her dad and soon got the impression he didn't know either, but he could recite their profit and loss account by heart and knew the annual rate of growth of their fixed assets, most of which were saleable.
What a weird life, thought Skye. Thank God for denim...