Apostropheosis A highly contagious disease prevalent in market place's and greengrocer's shop's

Blair (verb) To speak at great length, mindful of the effects on one's rating in opinion polls, with only the vaguest recollection of one's principles. Best done with fingers crossed behind the back

Buck Probably God, the creative force, the unknown or a curse, depending on context and inflection of voice

Chairentity A more polite appelation than 'dictator', a less effective creature than a boss

Circumspectacles Extra large reading glasses which combine better vision with the opportunity to hide from tall dark strangers whilst still having a sly peep at them

Crastination (S.S.) I'll fill this in later

Demonocracy Imagine millions of people risking their lives to escape to a new land of freedom then, generations later, continually electing utter maniacs with huge election budgets to run the show, provided they pave the way for multinationals ...


Fangled A derogatory version of 'made'. (Not really, I just fangled it up)

Filobeermatofax Possibly the ultimate invention of the 20th century. Provided you've got access to some white paint it is renewable for ever and the batteries never run down (as it doesn't have any). You have to remember to consult it though, so it doesn't work for Zorbas

Footnoteitis A mildly contagious disease believed to be transmitted by a virus, prevalent in the quiet corners of libraries and solicitors offices. Surprisingly rare in student residences, especially those within 100 metres of a bar

HairyMammals (capitalised), are the subset of hairy mammals (non-capitalised) that stand upright, wear clothes (most of the time), frequently wage a 'war to end all wars', search for the spirit in bottles; comfort in supermarkets; a feeling of 'unity of man' in Man United; society in soap operas, etc., then suddenly dedicate whole decades to arduous unpaid work for uncountable charities, good causes, lost causes, high ideals, middle ways, lowly occupations, upfrontness, down to Earthness, right thinking, left winging, and so forth. (This definition is Donk's (I personally haven't a clue) and is subject to frequent revision depending on the weather, which side of the bed he emerges, the malice or otherwise of seagulls, ...)

HairyMammaldom The state of being a Hairy Mammal. (Non contagious)

HairyMammalese The whole group of languages and dialects spoken by the Hairy Mammals of Earth

Hippocriticoath$ The spiel recited by newly elected leaders of demonocracies; oft repeated by their spokesthings

Hubgoblins (C.C.) Yet another creature of Number 11's semi-conducting dreams - Mischievous little indescribables that steal the hubcaps off your car/van/milkfloat

Lesson (C.C.) The negative elementary excitation of the Greed Field. Anti-particle of the moreon

Maximised Discombobulosity Quotient (MDQ) (M.M.) Speech that creates the maximum damage to the listener's habitual thoughts / prevailing paradigm / irritating bloody habits using the minimum number of words.

e.g.1: "Chill dude!" in the vicinity of Chairentity Number 12.

e.g.2: "Peace, comrade!" in the vicinity of Biggott or Jobsworth.

e.g.3: "Poddle darling! How wonderful to see you, you absolute sweetie!" to the afore-mentioned Poddle.

There is also the Hyper-Augmented Maximised Discombobulosity Quotient (HMDQ) which achieves the same thing with the minimum number of syllables. Our first example (above) qualifies; number 3 doesn't; the qualification or otherwise of number 2 is currently the subject of lively philosophical debate in The Wogan Institute of Penetrating Sociological Insight on Planet Donut.

To those mean-minded creatures who have the nerve to suggest I only invented this word / phrase to extract the P from Number 9's habitual theorising of HairyMammal Quantum Psychology; I have only one word for critters like you. YES (HMDQ 1st class).

The phrase Hyper-Augmented Maximised Discombobulosity Quotient is itself an example of the MPDQ (suggestions by email please ...)

Mediocremarket Similar to a supermarket, but the labels are all mixed up, half the food is stacked in the aisles and the trolleys won't go straight ahead

Memorabilious The creation of mild sickness & vertigo by exposure to an overabundance of household ornaments and nicknacks

Micturated Excessively lubricated internally with ethanol based fluids

Moreon (C.C.) The positive elementary excitation of the Greed Field. Anti-particle of the lesson

Near-Life Experience noun. An experience, instances of which have been occasionally reported across a broad spectrum of cultures, in which a person is fleetingly in their body and experiencing sensation, feeling, thought & imagination, the filter of collective consciousness (whimsically termed 'normality') seemingly disabled for one blissful moment. (c/f life before death)

Outgabbling Attempting to hear another's point of view by excessive use of the vocal chords. A very distant relative of empathy (very)

Pelagiaism Borrowing characters from 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin'

Penopause (S.S.) The 'difficult age' reputedly triggered by a change in hormones, when one sudddenly stops writing, only to find when the hormones settle down that one starts writing again, but the subject matter has dramatically changed. Possibly the most startling example of this phenomenon is Honda Prelude: Prior to the penopause she was the only hermit/philospher in the history of hermit-philosophering to have penned footnotes which themselves had footnotes, which themselves had footnotes, which ... .
After the penopause she started writing fiction. Not one footnote has yet been seen...

Personfully The non-sexist version of manfully. Like womanfully but less reactionary

Pontifdefecating Holding forth with admirable gusto & confidence but debatable competence or content

Pulltheotheroneitsgotbellson (C.C.) A negative elementary excitation of the Credulity Field. The anti-particle of the yourhavingmeon

Quantumpsychologist A role invented by Number 9, since it is the only one. One who explains people's behaviour in terms of fluxes of moreons, lessons, yourhavingmeons and Pulltheotheroneitsgotbellsons

Quantumps Shorthand for Quantumpsychology

Sleeptalking Like rem (rapid eye movements), but can happen whilst standing or sitting. First recorded by A. Cynic in the House of Commoners, England, USA

Spokesthing A company or government representative who will say anything for money

Squeegle The ecstatic sound made by young Hairy Mammals when they are so happy they can't quite decide whether to giggle or squeel. Number 11 has managed it once or twice

Teenagerdom The highly confusing state of having to pretend to be more adult than ones parents whilst still secretly wanting to hold hands with you-know-who when no-one is looking, painting the bedroom black then lovingly adorning it with symbols of evil. If you missed out first time around, do it now! You've got nothing to lose but your wrinkles. You may even manage to squeegle ...

Truthed The ultimate sin for a Spokesthing

Unidirectionalbandwaggoning (C.C.) I can't remember what this means, but it's in the first sequel somewhere. Hey! Who cares what it means - ten syllables!

Unseriousing A therapy practised by Number 11 and the SHEs (Serious Hollyist Exorcists)

U$Adism (S.S.) Enjoying the creation of misery by the economic oppression of others

Urinated See Micturated

Weirding The process of getting weirder

Whiches (C.C.) Another creature from Number 11's dreams - they are typically thin spinsters weilding chalk who drive you completely nuts by asking incessant questions. ('And what precisely do you mean by "nuts"?' 'And should you really start a sentence with "And"?' ... )

Wholeography (S.S.) A technological process discovered by Number 11 and Number 8 - irradiating a tealeaf in their ctl-r with pirpendicular beams of coherent somethingorothers enables a 3D display of the recent life history of whoever used the tealeaf.

Willied (C.C.) The mental state of people after encountering the one time leader of the Conservative party - Willy the Vague, who may well have been Ian Dunghill-Smith in disguise, who may well turn out to be ...

Yourhavingmeon (C.C.) A positive elementary excitation of the Credulity Field. The anti- particle of the pulltheotheroneitsgotbellson

Copyright Peter Fairbrother 2003/7