Kate and dog
The Hermit’s Daughter Featuring Kate, Horace and Dog
At 8 a.m. Horace finished gardening and made a drink. At 8.10 a.m. he uncovered the easel at the rear of his cave, moved it …
the olf
Following the psychogram (1st class) delivered faster than the speed of light by Olf Mail , from Hermes Trismegistus (the patron saint of all sufferers of triple vision), we are pleased to reply to members of Wits End e-Community:
The olf is the epitome of all things that can’t be pinned down. Probably.
It can’t even decide whether to be part of the physical world (like the alleged electron or plausible proton) or the psychic ( like an archetype. E.g. it’s Great Uncle Mercurius).
So, it is the elementary particle of the archetype of all opposites and indecision.
Or, it is the archetype of the elementary particle of all opposites and indecision. Maybe.
One advantage of its elusive character is that, rather than merely arguing about whether to do something, it is more likely to decide that it’s already done it! But unreliably so. This makes it the ultimate mail delivery and publishing system:
Forget Blogger, fret ye not about email, stxff the US mail, waste not thy time on Virgin Atlantic, discard thy magic picture box. Parley by Olf! Always on time! Frequently early!! Often lost!!!
I came to type in this story / nonsense, for example, and found most of it already typed; complete with typos!
The olf done it.
At its best, the dear olf did once enter the physical world all awash with benevolence and good intention. It borrowed a letter ‘a’, rearranged itself somewhat and invented the loaf. Unsliced, wholemeal, with added toasted seeds and probably a few currants.
At its worst, it once sidled into the physical world, stole a letter ‘u’ not caring if anyone was looking, and invented foul – the sliced white, factory made, constipating glue best used for chewing, spitting out and moulding into chess pieces.
Over the millennia many adventurous types have tried to capture an olf, either in this world (details below) when anything both new and bizarre appears. Crop circles, American Unilateral Disarmament; Microsoft goes Open Source; institutions admit the existence of individuals; witless warmongers are pensioned off as peace envoys – sure signs that an olf is about. Or in the other world, following years of silent meditation, shamanic dance or tobacco supplements. But of course the olf (Olf) is always elsewhere.
Its Achilles heel is due, as ever, to a weakness of the flesh: its many adventures in the physical world have led it to discover biscuits, especially double-layered gizmos with jam, cream or colourful additives in the middle. The olf can, in fact, be captured by leaving a biscuit barrel open, then silently whopping an old cap over the top while the olf (Olf) is pigging itself.
If you do capture an olf, don’t start an argument. It’ll melt your brains…
P.S. There are believed to be many olfs, but they are all named Olf, which makes capitalisation a bit confusing.
Confessions of an au pair – Mable Syrup
His lordship recently published an article on the whereabouts of the alleged artist known as the alleged typist.
After a certain amount of spying, we have located the critter and can offer this report from the …
Favourite quotes
Zapped – Quotes from Frank Zappa
Irreverent comments by the late, great, Frank Zappa.
It would be easier to pay off our national debt overnight than to neutralize the long range effects of our national stupidity.
Remember, there’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.
Bad facts make bad laws.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
The only thing that seems to band all nations together is that their governments are universally bad.
Blonde and Witless – hairdressers
Blonde and Witless – hairdressers
Donatella returned from the bar with two halves off Curate’s Comfort beer and gave one to Agnes Daily.
‘Fancy,’ said Agnes. ‘The famous Smogdale tipple in the Halfway Inn. I swear this …
Homeless youth
In the 1960’s the British government funded grant assisted university education for ordinary (not rich) school-leavers.
An essential part of enabling higher education for the relatively poor has been subsidised accommodation. There are still gaps in the system that lets down some people, but over the fifty or so years it has made a real difference to the opportunities and expectations of working class people. The universities themselves do what they can to keep students’ rents affordable.
Compare this to the plight of the many people who are unable to qualify for further education or, worse still, are homeless. As property and capital remain popular means of milking the most vulnerable and the poorest, it would be refreshing to see a government plan for subsidised accommodation and a viable start in life for all.
A confrontation with the most resolute exploiters of the disadvantaged is inevitable.
Anyone unaware of the problems facing today’s youth could take a look at Kids Co.
popular short stories
Short Stories
king-arthur-comedy-arthurian-satire
Refuge for Battered Fishmongers
Recently, Dame Edna Swoonflap said…
Petah, My Rolls Royce engine is making a ping ping zapple sound. What could be wrong? Thanks dahling!
15 April 2007 20:29 …
Yoga and Yoghurt Mines – story
Yoga and Yoghurt Mines
‘I wonder why,’ mumbled Number 11 to itself. ‘I wonder why Teskos (TM) have commenced mining cheese from the ceiling.’ They’ll have problems when they strike a yoghourt deposit, that’s for sure.
The brass monkeys appeared to have developed a liking for the inverted world too, and were lobbing moon rocks …
The hero in fiction and contemporary politics
The hero in fiction and contemporary politics
In many good stories the central figure is a hero, or more often the ordinary person finding themselves saddled with the responsibility of needing to become one. King Arthur, …
Whenever you see the hearse go by
Whenever you see the hearse go by
Whenever you see the hearse go by
And think to yourself that you’re gonna die
Be merry, my friends, be merry.
They put you in a big white shirt
And cover you up …
funny true story – Kidnapped!
True story – Kidnapped!
Our HairyMammal typist, The Horizontal One (T.H.O.) hasn’t been available for a while, so we’ll take this opportunity to relate a true story about him. A strange story, we suspect, but …
King Arthur comedy, satirical short story
King Arthur of Cameldung and his fabled Sword, Expeditor
In the heart of the great nation of Albion lies a swamp. In the middle of which, more or less, is a large hill – very broad, but not so tall – on which has stood for ages beyond memory the great City of Cameldung. The famous city; the royal city; the city of legend; the sinking city …
In fact Cameldung, and more significantly the hill, trace their origins back to time immoral, when the ancient trade routes from the orient brought silicon chips from Taiwan and cheap jeans from China in caravans. They weren’t aluminium caravans pulled by 4×4s, but caravans of camels – hence the hill… Nowadays the throne at Cameldung is occupied by King Arthur and his fabled sword, Expeditor.
Temporary President Dayv
Temporary President Dayv
a fantasy/ political satire featuring the ideal presidential candidate for a sane democracy (sic).
If you missed part 1 of the short story, it’s here Diligent Dayv
‘Hello President Dayv,’ said the voice from the intercom. A little pink light switched on …
Parallel Worlds
Parallel Worlds
Picture Urchin and Meredith sitting on the horizontal branch of the apple tree and peering at the wonderland of The Old Goods Yard Allotments, Wherewithal, like two infants in a children’s adventure book. …
Parallel Universes meredith and urchin
Parallel Universes meredith and urchin
An adventure in a perpendicular university
‘I saw the durndest thing,’ said Urchin.Strewth, now he’s talking American, thought Meredith. ‘What’s that then?’ she asked, wriggling her bottom on the freezing concrete steps …
Funny Stories – Nerdy Gurdy
The Nerdy Gurdy part1Funny fiction from Smogdale, UpNorth, England
This story has now been transfered to the main short stories section – here is Nerdy!
#11
work in progress – satire story
work in progress – satire story
A Fairly Average and Perfectly Mediocre Dilemma
A satirical short story , featuring
religion , psychology and the spirit
The Fairly Average tribe of Nowhere Special …
meaningful poems proliferate
Paddy said:I’ll be senden ya the sheet music from a song i rit. Tis a bootiful ditty called “To”. I hear’d that an arse of an Englishman has tried to claim it as is own.
He …
Funny Short Stories
Funny Short Stories
by category
Hopefully this will keep everyone (bar Nigel) happy for a while.
Funny Short Stories about Teens
Funny Short stories – Skyelights part 1
A stroppy American teen visits Wherewithal
Funny short stories …
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