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The Peoples Republic of Thursleydale
satire, funny, plays on words, Thursleydale,
The story of the
People's Republic of ThursleydalePresently, the admin is covered by Idi Admin, esq., of Campsite by the Sea in Thursleydale. Captain Idi of the good (though rather smelly) ship HMS Champagne Bottle.
The chances of a poll, or any sane admin being organised during August are remote; as remote as the Republic of Thursleydale. The reasons may become clear …
The Republic of Thursleydale, EnglandTime has nearly stood still in Thursleydale, the district being self-sufficient to a remarkable degree, and enclosed by hills and the Irish Sea. Even tourists bent on visiting Thursleydale’s charming rolling hills and the flower strewn valley of the River Toast give up in despair upon realising that all the road signs are unreliable, indeed some of them rotate freely on their white wooden poles on a windy day like disoriented windmills. The cautious potential visitor realises that not only is it difficult to enter the place, it may well prove impossible to find the way out. Our hero, Idi Admin, was born in The Republic of Thursleydale, in the maternity hospital in Bunne in the Auvergne in the foothills of the Northern Thursleydale Moor. He has spent all his life in Thursleydale, apart from August, of course.
The River ToastTo picture the district in all its charm it is best to start at the eastern extremity where the Northern Moor meets the Southern Hills. This area is the origin of the River Toast – a central feature of the lives of Thursleydalers, except of course the big city types of Campsite by the Sea. The Campsiteians could care less where their food comes from, so long as it arrives. The Toast begins life as many small springs and ditches, some of which come to naught and sink below ground. Most of them persevere, join up and become streams, all heading west – more or less – in search of the sea. The streams spend their innocent youth as waterfalls, lakes and pools; meandering, rushing and what have you before they settle down to married life as the River Toast. Every winter the River Toast floods and the upper plain of the Thursleydale river valley benefits, gaining silt, minerals, leaves, dead starlings and such, all of which adds to the fertility.
Beans Upon ToastCome Spring, the whole region is planted with beans, huge crops result and the beans are loaded onto rafts at the riverside town of Beans Upon Toast and sent downstream towards the dairy farms and their grateful, somewhat flatulent Friesian cows.
Cheese Upon Toast & Dunghill on the WoldGreat convoys of rafts travel down the Toast in late summer. Not only beans, but timber from the forests for the dairy farming community and the city slickers of Campsite by the Sea. What planning! What fortune! What common sense! The rafts of beans and timber arrive at precisely the time when the previous summer’s glut of milk has matured into the famous Vintage Thursleydale Cheese. The beans are hauled off the rafts, the huge cheeses are rolled on, and the good people (also the slightly dodgy ones) of the riverside town of Cheese Upon Toast (cheese makers) and Dunghill on the Wold (dairy farmers) gain a fair amount of Thursleydale florins from the merchants, conshoomers and whatnot of Campsite by the Sea. Well, the tale is nearly told. Rafts of timber, cheese, adventurous Cheese Upon Toasters and a few spilled beans arrive at Campsite and the people rejoice, especially the merchants. *
Sellafield & Toxic WasteCampsite, being next the sea, has something of a sewage disposal problem. They’ve tried every imaginable means of sewage treatment, but each attempt seemed to render the local sea whiffy and poisonous. Nowadays they load the least serviceable bean-and-cheese rafts with the foul smelly stuff and their trusty ship HMS Champagne Bottle tows them out to sea, up the coast a little way, and dumps them by the nuclear power station at Sellafield.
HMS Champagne BottleIdi Admin is, in fact, the captain of HMS Champagne Bottle (the ship that launched a thousand faeces) and the reason that he lapses into idleness in August is that the whole Republic of Thursleydale has a month’s holiday to celebrate the sheer joy and wonderfulness of a month that contains 2 Us !! Many of them try out the latest release of UbUntU and email their cousins in ColoUrado, USA.
AugustAlso, aUgUst is sewage disposal month and the entire population does the deed as quickly as possible and then leaves by a secret path through the southern hills to visit the New-Age, Middle-Aged, Techno-Hippie Music Festival (tickets from Acronym Stanley, in Smogdale; Idi meets them later, after 2 days in the jacUzzi.
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Tags: The Peoples Republic of Thursleydale : satire, funny, plays on words, Thursleydale,
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