When I was young I'd a sense of my muse
Though it wasn't the typical - music or art
I wanted a shed and some home-made tools
I'd save cast-out devices and take them apart

But a strange thing happened whilst I was a teen
It seemed at the time like desirable magic
Now thirty odd years have seemed to fly by
I've searched in my diary and - they have; This is tragic!

We fancied the cinema; you guessed - the back row
But 'we'll have to' this, and 'don't you think?' that
Didn't feel quite like me; 'Gotta go with the flow,'
Insisted the hormones - or was it her chat?

She said 'I'm your mare; now give me some foals'
I'm the squarest of pegs in the roundest of holes.
"My" calendar's covered in her pencil and ink.
There's a freed day! No, it's gone when I blink.

I'm sure I was destined for something higher
When her mouth opens I dream of a padlock
But I've been betrayed by animal desire
I'm a warlock webbed in wedlock in Matlock

The neighbours declare they can hear a dialogue
Between old steam engines and motorbikes
'humma, humma, humma, hoo!' one seem to growl
'ning, ning, ning, ning,' the other bites

I can vaguely remember my youthful ideal -
A creator of magic with soldering wand
Applying a battery to semi-conductors
And apparent intelligence lies in my hand.

Instead I'll have to suffer my fate
I've had my chips; I'm as battered as haddock
Now I see what life's served on my plate
I'm a warlock webbed in wedlock in Matlock